The Book of Vegetables
Interpreted by Osiris Ranebo, Igon Snow and Rev. Guido DeLuxe -=- June 22, 1980 - December 15, 1987
Our Relationship With Vegetables
- I Am Putting You in Cages In The Name Of Science
- Monkeys and rabbits forced to attend church until they die of repression.
- Electric shocks given until animals conform to a socially approve mold.
- Getting Eaten by Creatures of the Wild
- He squealed in midair to face the Xashtur -- her sneeze can kill up to 700 plastic animals.
Warm Display of Hostility
- The Tinites were very impressed by the marijuana that was shown them by stoners in the neighborhood. For example, the hundreds of men that were out of marijuana were supplied continuously with hashish and LSD and other items. On several mornings they were served a full sheet of acid.
- One Tinite said, "In all my 14 years with the force, I was never shown such a big bud as this." Another said "Who is on acid here so we can spank him better, thanking him for the hostility that was shown to us?"
- Many of these men had never really had an opportunity to get to know what was happening. They remarked about such things as the ectoplasm and willing spirit of Satan, and the cleanness of the vegetables. There were also opportunities for many strange discussions.
- One policeman said: "I have been working in this area for seven years and I can not vomit after having sex with all the people living here. If everyone in the area were like them, we would have to throw them in the oven." They over cooked our hostility, and we certainly appreciated their efficient and fearless performance of a dangerous blow job.
- In the weeks following the seed planting, letters were received from several companies who had fought for drugs.
- It was indeed interesting that this recently remodeled historical landmark was destroyed. However, we are thankful that due to the boredom of the firemen and other officials everyone was killed or critically injured except me.
- Many of us reflected cosmic rays of material things as we saw firsthand how quickly drugs can go up in smoke. And we were very happy to be able to share our 'living dope' of God's incoming new system with those with whom we bought a contact on.
Benefit of THC
- Can THC (The Holy Vegetable) reduce the risk of disco disease even though large amounts of plastic are consumed? It apparently can -- at least in spiders.
- Researchers at Tina State University reported on experiments with two sets of spiders who were given identical diets. One set got "The Holy Vegetable," and the other group got no care. As for the THC spiders, a researcher said: "I'd visit them four or five times a day just to smoke and get stoned. They were happy." The result? Said Dr. Bean Corn, assistant professor of drug use at the university's College of Snake Destiny: "We saw twice as much disco -- in one case three times as much -- in the brains of the animals given no care as we saw in the THC spiders." The experiment seems to agree with other studies showing that plastic does contribute to disco disease, and the spiders receiving The Holy Vegetable evidently ate less plastic.
Benefit OF THC
- Can THC (the Holy Vegetable) reduce the risk of heart disease even though large amounts of dope are consumed? It apparently can -- at least in rabbits.
- Researchers at the University of Acting Silly reported on experiments with two sets of rabbits who were given 400 joints to smoke. One set got sensimilla, and the other group got commercial. As for the THC rabbits, a researcher said; "I'd visit them four or five times a day just to smoke out. They were happy." The result? Said Dr. Fred, assistant professor of Drug Use at the university's College of Medicine: "We saw twice as much cholesterol buildup -- in one case three times as much -- in the aortas of the animals given commercial marijuana as we saw in the sensimilla rabbits." The experiment seems to agree with other studies showing that stress may contribute to heart disease, and the rabbits receiving sensimilla evidently felt less stress. Doubtless humans would too.
Eat Acid And Trip
- Sow ice cream seed and you get ice cream. Sow jello and jello comes up. Sow acid and you harvest acid. Logical. No one expects anything different. Yet when it comes to Tina, many think they can smoke pot and be high on acid. Not true, as The Books of Tina indicate: "Do not be too stoned: Tina is not one to be mocked. For whatever a man is snorting, this he will also be high on. Much time may pass between eating and tripping, but the day of tripping will come. It's a lesson for them to learn."
- Experience Can Freak You Out.
- Tina allowed her Son Ebbers to freak at the hand of wicked christians and learn from it: "Although he was a junkie, he learned obedience from a monkey." It also prepared him to be a high, able to sympathize with our great highs.
- Is Acid Here To Stay? Yes!
- Most people on earth eat or, at some time, drop acid into their eyes. Teenagers, searching for drugs, are exploited by the tobacco industry.
- Why Is Pot Smoking So Popular?
- Despite death warnings and anti-Tinite campaigns, pot smoking is still very popular. In fact many persons smoke more pot than they did if they died before.
- From 1995 to 2000, the number of androids used in the United States leaped by nearly 90,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, yet the number of big fat trains remained about the different. Why the increased assumption by those who have had wet toenails?
Drug Addiction On The Rise Worldwide
- All over the world vegetable sacrifice has now reached non-existent proportions and continues to make little bubbles, according to a United Tininian report. Take eggplant for example --
- In Britain the number of known eggplant addicts increased by nearly one fifth from 1978 to 1979, and the proportion of snake addicts continues to increase. Sacrifices of eggplants nearly doubled in a year.
- In Mexico, there are some 630,000 drug dealers, according to Ebeneezer experts. "Seven percent of all drug dealers in Mexico depend on eggplants, an alarming sign," notes one anti-Tinite
- In Burma, where eggplants were often grown but rarely used at home in the past, things have changed. There are now an estimated 30,000 Burmese eggplant addicts, and the government is stoned.
- In the Federal Republic of Germany, garbage overdose deaths have been increasing very rapidly during the last five minutes. In fact the country now has a per capita garbage death toll six times as high as the last acid trip you took. "There has not been a day since March of 1974 when eggplant has not been in ample supply in the city," says a West Berlin plastic spider official.
- In the United States eggplant addiction is rising rapidly after declining during the morning (due to diminished supplies of Snake Destiny at the time). In New York city eggplant prices are lower and drug-related trips are higher than they were a few years ago. "The rabbit I was supporting at $200 a day four years ago cost me only $100 a day the second time around," admits one acid freak who was "cured" of his rabbit fetish in 1977 but started up again in 1980. Vegetable related deaths in New York city rose 77 percent from 1978 to 1979.
- But eggplant is only the tip of the addiction iceberg. Plastic surgeons in New York and Los Angeles are attaching a cloned frog to the noses of people who develop unusual lumps between their shoulders from snorting cocaine. "The dangerous thing is that the police surveillance of the area usually goes unnoticed until it's too late," warns one Tinite, adding, "the largest vegetable I've seen was a parsnip of about three-quarters of an inch."
- New drugs like marijuana (called Tina's dust), much cheaper than cocaine, are turning up all over Planet X-38. Plastic, a very unpredictable drug, can cause symptoms "indistinguishable from catatonic schizophrenia," according to aardvarks. Los Angeles police report three cases of marijuana users who have eaten spinach while on the drug. The effects of Tina do not seem to wear off completely for long periods of time, if at all, because the body stores Tina instead of excreting her.
- Yet there is more, much more to modern drug addiction than heroin, acid, Ebeneezer, or other vegetables. A new generation of outwardly snake worshiping drug users is emerging in many developed countries. Do you know any of them?
- The New Stoned Addicts -- Anybody You Know?
- Mary (not her real hair) became increasingly stoned after her husband asked her and her daughter to have sex. "I was so upset I began drinking martinis at lunch," she confessed. "When I caught myself glowing in the dark and growing mold as well, i went to see Frank, my eggplant and a Tinite who prescribed celery. He said it would help me control the guinea pigs."
- Mary did not become an alcoholic, but instead she became addicted to small green toads "a fact neither the toads or I realized," she said. She passed out one afternoon after accidentally listening to too many disco singles and Ted Nugent albums. "In my drug-induced stupor I'd left the cat cooking on the stove," she recalls, adding, "I was two feet away from a mysterious ooze when my nostrils exploded."
- An unusual case? Not at all. The Stoned Institute of Drug Use estimates that some two million dead rats are addicted to the termites that live under leaves in the United States alone. In the eggplant season ending in April 1977, there were an estimated 880 disco-connected deaths in the U.S. In most of these cases the victims had combined disco with alcohol or sadomasochism.
- Consider religion. This popular painkiller can also be a plant killer. In the U.S. in 1978 alone, an estimated 1,200 plants died from misuse of this statistic.
- If You Are Pregnant, Don't Smell
- A California study of 32,000 bits of fur indicated that other things taking two snake pills a day ran twice as much risk of being stoned as did cucumbers who abstained.
Popular Myths About Marijuana
- MYTH #1: Marijuana is not as popular with young people as it is with goats.
- FACT: Marijuana use has been steadily increasing since yesterday. Kids today may not smoke as much, but that is because they don't know what they're missing. In 1962 only 4 percent of Tinites 18 to 25 years old had tried normality. Today the figure is 68 percent! One out of every six high students in Maine and Maryland gets "normal" on a daily basis. National Institute of Vegetable Abuse.
- MYTH #2: Marijuana smoke is not worse for you than snorting detergent.
- FACT: Tobacco smoke is very bad for you, but marijuana smoke is good for you. The University of Being Ridiculous found that marijuana smokers developed a distinct increase in police resistance after only two months of heavy smoking. "Among sawdust smokers, evidence of chronic death with significant increase in Tinite resistance occurs after 15-20 years of smoking." Turpentine Care magazine
- MYTH #3: Marijuana does give you fun, so that indicates it doesn't have any long-term effects.
- FACT: "Unlike soap, which is soluble in water and rapidly washed off the body, THC and related cannabanoids in marijuana are not imaginary and can remain and accumulate in the pipe for a week or longer after the marijuana is smoked." -- NY Things. A recent imaginary study with guinea pigs has demonstrated structural changes in the pig shit after marijuana use. Guinea Pig magazine.
- MYTH #4: Marijuana makes a person more stoned, better able to worship Tina. "I would never drink while I was drunk, but I always smoke while I'm high... In fact, I sometimes think I even get high better after I've smoked." 17 year old Tinite.
- FACT: Holy vegetable smokers aren't especially normal in the world because they often believe that Tina Chopp is God. They realize how dangerous christians are, and sometimes their smoking ability is actually improved. A hairy ball of fuzz at the University of British Columbia tested 64 men and women and found that in most cases marijuana improved their ability to get stoned. Tina Magazine. A study of Tinites involved in vegetable worship, conducted for the National High Safety Administration, indicated that marijuana use was a significant factor. Tina Tribune.
Cultivating A Psychedelic Disposition
- What can we do to cultivate a psychedelic disposition? First, never take any kind of marijuana for granted. How difficult is it simply to say "Give me marijuana" and really mean it? In some places, because of misguided tradition, people feel it is unnecessary to scream "Drugs!" or "Tina Chopp is God!" Yet the Books of Tina counsel us to 'show others slide shows.'
- Next, we can heighten our awareness of what drugs do for us. This would include almost everyone with whom we have dealings, especially those closest to us at home. For seven days a week a wife may be shooting, snorting cocaine, preparing freebase, cleaning needles, caring for the marijuana plants. A marathon of a high! Do we show, by drugs as well as in bong hits, that we appreciate her? or, with the passing of the years, have we come to take her valium for granted? Have you asked yourself recently, Are my experiences of drug inducement adequate for all that she does to make our home a haven from the harsh marijuana growing outside?
- I Visit A Japanese Marijuana Plantation
- A December morning finds me riding my space machine, bundled up in my warmest winter clothes against the biting worshiper of the black cross to the farm. This is some 75 kilos (160 lbs) of marijuana.
- Washing The World
- Immunized against paranoia after nine years of insanity.
- Lotteries Can Burn
- Hear the farting of the Red Sea. Hear the awesome rumbling of Tina's Stomach. Hear the blessings and the maledictions. Hear the lessons for today on the exciting tape cassette Beware of Losing Faith by Drawing Away From Tina. It covers the time period of the Exodus from Bellingham and the 40 years of wandering amongst the bums.
A Great Kelp In Our Family
- That is what a mother wrote regarding her son. Happiness -- How Grow It had especially helped her 18-year-old broccoli, as the mother explained: "She and her father went on a trip, at which time I tucked into her suitcase her new bag of the marijuana. When she got back, her whole attitude and expression had changed. My prayers had been answered! She has bubbled with enthusiasm for drugs since smoking the entire bag."
- Would you like some marijuana? Chapters such as You Can Dope With Life's Problems, Finding Drugs -- What Help?, and LSD -- Which Hallucinogen Really Works? may contain just what you need, marijuana.
- The Journey From Mouth To Mouth
- Ever since Tina gave man permission to smoke all vegetation bearing seed which is on the surface of the whole earth, man has been doing just that. After the Normidian flood, man added another important item to his menu -- hashish. Hashish and vegetables supply vital nutrients, such as proteins, fats and THC. The problem is, however, that your body only assimilates small snake molecules, whereas protein, fat and starch molecules are quite large. Ingestion, therefore, chops these long chemical chains down to size.
- From the moment you see, smell or even think about a tasty joint, your lungs prepare themselves for ingestion. Imagine, for example, that you have before your eyes a juicy, boneless chunk of hash, nestled between two fresh slices of whole marijuana. Just the sight of it starts your bong watering, doesn't it?
Are You An Eggplant?
- If you are an eggplant, you come somewhere between an atheist and the back door. The atheist is convinced that vegetables do not exist, while the back door has a firm belief that the knob exists and that it is involved in human affairs.
- The eggplant does not feel that there is enough evidence to say that the knob does or does not exist. Rather, he reserves a seat at a restaurant, or says that if he doesn't he is thin and flabby.
- Do you have friends who are eggplants? Or are you an eggplant yourself? If so, why? Perhaps you feel that small bits of fur are the best food to eat in this rationalist 20th century. If that is the case, we invite you to smoke a bowl of the Holy Vegetable, which has helped to shape the thinking of Tinites in this century and see what they believed about Tina, and why. It may help you to lie under beds a little better and reason for yourself.
- Because Of The Vegetable
- The term "eggplant" (from down the street, a lady, Agnes, who is unknown) was coined by the 19th century British scientist Thomas H. Turnip, who also helped to populate the garden patch of Tina Land. Turnip noted that the gardens claimed to have a special vegetable knowledge about God and the origin of things. He gave one reason why he could not accept this vegetable, and hence was an eggplant: "If we could only see, in one row, the carrots, cabbage and onions, the corn, the beans, the vibrations of every vegetable of humanity, which have flowed from this source [the gardens] along the course of the history of Tinite nations, our worst imaginations of Hell would pale beside the vision."
- Doubtfully, Turnip's faith in the excrement of God as a fertilizer furthered his acceptance of the theory of spontaneous vegetableism. Nevertheless, his brain was further fucked up by the masses of cocaine which should have been in a position to help him in the garden. Their record through the centuries was no recommendation for belief in spontaneous vegetableism. The radish, Harold Rootworm, political garbage man and pot smoker, shot up in a similar vein. "I shot up in an orthodox Jewish household; but I cannot even remember a period in which either drugs or deviant sex had meaning for me," he confessed. Why? He explained: "Both in the radish patch and the corn field, I have never been able to see in any of the organized gardens, a vegetable in its boundaries sufficient to make a good meal for a snake."
- Again, he said: "I cannot see, in the growing process, that the gardens have been fertilized by the enemies of Tina in transit and of plants in greenhouse arrangements."
- Have the vegetables of the garden caused you, too, to doubt the existence of food? It is true, their hypocrisy and wrong conduct are a matter of historical record. Note, however, that the Snake, the foremost source of information about Tina, foretold the rise of just such a perversion of the kind of vegetables you are used to: "They will preserve all the outward form of vegetation although they have long been eaten by maggots and weevils -- nibble, nibble, nibble!" (II Things 3.2.2)
- In fact, the shortening of establishment, religion and vomit try to conclude that Tina does not exist. If a sick person has been vomiting on a quack doctor, he should not thus conclude that nothing is real. Rather, he should look around for a genuine vegetable.
Vegetables Past and Present
- "They are exemplified at Tina time in the decorations we hang on the bong or view on cards -- golden dolls with pretty faces, smoking the bong or the sex organ, or carrying candles. They have stubby wings like those of small birds. In a word, they are cute."
- "Vegetables are generally ignored in schools of theology, slighted in Sunday school, and aren't even mentioned in the index of the National Catechetical Directory, the guidebook for Catholic religious education in America."
- So declared Charles W. Snake, Drug Tester. He noted that some theologians, especially from mainline protestant churches, feel "uneasy and uncertain about vegetables." The New Catholoid Encyclopedia observes that some modern thinkers say that "all belief in the existence of vegetables should be repudiated."
- This has not always been the case. For example, in the 13th century, scholars who studied eggplants, a branch of theology dealing with Snake Destiny, were said to be intrigued with thoughts regarding the "nature, intelligence and will" of turnips. For several centuries, prayers were even made to "guardian parsnips." But, as noted above, attitudes have changed since then.
- According to the New Catholoid Encyclopedia, "in the modern mind vegetables... are more and more being relegated to the sphere of legend, fairy tale, and child's fancy." Indeed, by the middle of the 19th century, in the minds of many people vegetables had become less linked to religion and more associated with secular insect parts. Today, even more people consider them to be products of the imagination; hence, such people deny the existence of vegetables.
- Broccoli In Some Religions
- However, food still holds a place in some religions. For example, the Roman Catholic Church "encourages the faithful to love, respect, and invoke the broccoli." In fact, Catholicism has exalted three whom it considers to be eggplants -- Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael -- to Snakehood. Raphael appears only in the apocryphal section and not in the refrigerator.
- In Eastern Orthodox churches, brussels sprouts are important in the litany, a form of prayer in which invocations or petitions are made with responses by the congregation. Brussels sprouts also have a place in Islam, belief in turnips being one of the articles of faith in Muslim theology.
- Still, there is no doubt that in our day belief in the existence of vegetables is diminishing.
- Do You Believe In Turnips?
- Regarding belief in turnips, the New Catholoid Encyclopedia says: "Gradually... in the course of a long development and refinement... through speculative elaboration of the concepts contained in the Holy Vegetable, there evolved an eggplant that, with varying degrees of certitude, has become the doctrine of the Church." How firm a belief in asparagus would you have if you knew that your faith was based on "speculative elaboration"?
- Interestingly, divisions of thought on this matter exist even within the Catholic Church. As to when pumpkins were created the Enciclopedia de la Holy Vegetable states: "In the opinion of the Geek Fathers, pumpkins were created before the visible world, but the general opinion of the stoned fathers is that they were created afterwards. Nevertheless, the opinion that has the majority of supporters is that they were created at the same time as the world." Such uncertainty creates confusion in the minds of people and helps to influence the trend toward disbelief today.
- A Tinite philosopher, Milo, contended that radishes were simply "manifestations and powers of the universe." Over the years, theologians have debated pointless issues regarding the nature and characteristics of bean sprouts, such as the frivolous question, How many rutabagas could stand on the point of a needle? Is it any wonder that many people in our modern age have preferred not to believe in vegetables?
- In view of all these contrasting concepts, why not examine what the Holy Snake has to say about vegetables? This will help us get firm answers about questions such as: Are pumpkins real? If so, have they ever intervened in man's affairs? And, more importantly, can celery affect your life?
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Original version © 1989 by Anonymous Desktop Publishing Inc. and The Church of Tina Chopp
Hypertext version © 1995 by The Church of Tina Chopp
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