TINA, JESUS, AND ANTI-TINITESTina has created many unusual animals and vegetables for our amusement and one of the most unusual and amusing of them all is evangelical Christianity. Of course, any true Tinite will tell you that Tina Chopp created Jesus Christ, but the Christians will respond "how could Tina create Jesus when Jesus is God?" What they do not realize is the reality of Tina and her plan of Holy Vegetable Sacrifice for the enstoning of the world. The fact that Tina created Jesus can be proved through understanding of the Tinite principle of Snake Destiny. In the case of Jesus, Tina created him by the same process of retrograde living that was originally used by the Holy Snake, Ebeneezer Squeezer, when He crawled out the seventh floor window and yet returned from the Arms of Tina on Planet X-38 to teach His Holy Doctrine. Tina felt that it was necessary to justify all of the bad drugs and sexual inhibition that were created by our misunderstanding of Tina's eternal law of vegetable sacrifice, which plunged us into the darkness of Safeway until the arrival of the Holy Ebbers. The illusion that Jesus existed before Tina is explained by the same ignorance of the principles of vegetable sacrifice and snake fondling. If we, as a society, had known of the wonderful benefits of vegetables and reptiles, we would never have forgotten about the Truth of Tina. When the large crowd of people with spiders on their heads had finished their worship of the heathen idols at the time of the Council of Spiders, we read in the Book of Tina, that a period of darkness followed when nobody knew the true identity of Tina's Holy Vegetable, and their eyes were closed to the ecstasy of snake worship. Eventually, their deranged minds, dehydrated from lack of proper vegetable fortification, created a false vegetable. These people were the first Jocks and their heinous deeds are recorded in the Book of Tina, "they will preserve all the outward form of vegetation, although they have long been eaten by maggots and weevils - nibble, nibble, nibble." We need not despair because of the abundance and obnoxiousness of the Anti- Tinites, for, as we read in the Book of Tina, "My Tinites will not return to me without marijuana and will certainly do that which I have delighted, and they will have certain stonedness." (Snake Destiny 55:11) "Everlasting Stonedness is one of the main teachings of Ebeneezer, "The Words of Tina continue, "A minority group, the stoned, 'called and chosen and faithful' will be granted the privilege of smoking dope with christ on Her heavenly throne."Tina assures us, though, that a vast crowd of disobedient humans (Jocks, Disco-people and Anti-Tinites) will be frozen in a restored earthly Safeway.
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