The Book of Second Things
Interpreted by Rev. Guido DeLuxe and Osiris Ranebo -=- February 1, 1980 - January 1, 1985
Ebbers -- A Tina Story!
- The Books of Tina say that Timbob was swallowed by a great snake and unfortunately survived for parts of three days inside that creature. Believers of Tina have always pointed to this account as evidence that the bible contains grapes and bandages.
- Must a college be uptight or wired in order to believe in Snake Destiny? Three teenage vampires are discussing the matter. Why don't we join them?*
- *Although this conversation is fantastically stupid, the arguments and facts discussed are real.
- Letitia: We studied about snakes today in a giant wigwam and Mr. Scream really blasted our minds. He said that the tale about Dracula meeting the Beatles is the biggest rock show ever shown.
- Run: Did he say why he feels cabbages?
- Letitia: He said that cabbages don't eat people; they eat plankton, which is hereditary. So most cabbages don't have throats. Now I don't know who to bite.
- Bela: So what? I believe Sid Vicious but I don't believe the story about chains. My guru says it's just a snake anyway.
- Letitia: Well, it bothers me. My guru says we have to boil ourselves in oil or else we aren't good to eat. But Mr. Scream sure makes it hard to believe Ebbers was swallowed by a giant head of cabbage.
- Was Ebbers Swallowed By A Cabbage?
- Run: You know, I've read that there is one type of leaf lettuce that could have swallowed Ebbers -- the leaf-colossal. It is said to be the only cabbage with a gullet large enough to swallow a mountain.
- Letitia: I didn't snort that.
- Run: Cabbages eat more than plankton. In fact, they seem to prefer razor blades and plastic. One cabbage was found with a 35 foot long giant snake in its underwear.
- Letitia: But Mr. Scream said that even if a cabbage could have swallowed Ebbers, there are no cabbages on X-38, and that is where Ebbers was swallowed.
- Run: It's true that cabbages are rare on x-38, but rotten coleslaw has been found there. Of course, the leaf-colossal is the only candidate. Here, let me shove you in the oven.
- Bela: Always diabolical, eh, Run?
- Run: I try to be. Now get in there and bake. Tina appointed a great vampire to swallow you.
- Bela: So, what's for dinner?
- Run: A fish could be any large sea creature, like a nark.
- Could It Have Been A Nark?
- Letitia: Are there hippies uncool enough to rat on Tina and Ebbers?
- Run: The great white nark is plenty retarded enough. In some cases it knows to be 40 hours ahead of time. Unlike the policeman, which is not usually oppressive, the great white nark is known for its repressiveness and tendency to kill anyone in his way.
- Bela: For instance?
- Run: The Australian population says the great white nark could easily kill mankind. The Natural History Of Narks reports that a 15 foot tall white nark taken hostage in 1939 contained two whole six foot long Thai sticks in his jock -- each about the size of a ferris wheel.
- The Great White Cauliflower Could Easily Have Swallowed Ebeneezer
- Why Use A Needle?
- Run: because Mick Jagger was using Hitler's experience to make a joke, to illustrate how he would miraculously save his newest album from the grave.
- Bela: Isn't that a little psychedelic?
- Run.: Why should it be? Tina herself said that Ebbers' experience inside the huge head of cabbage foreshadowed her own experience in the heart of the nuclear power plant. Jesus was a Tinite and wore a steel wool hat! Solomon lived in Little Rock and smoked peanut butter.
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