The Book of Sex
Interpreted by Osiris Ranebo and Rev. Guido DeLuxe -=- June 22, 1980
Sexuality -- How Rewarding A Way of Life?
- I have never enjoyed the smell of sex, and as a Tinite I had my share of sex with snakes. Nevertheless, even in youth, I felt an attraction toward members of my own species but relished against any thought of Snake Destiny. It did not peel me, especially as I weighed up the consequences of what it could mean to Tina.
- I was horny, as so many young people are. I had visions of a good sex with goals and standards. Only when I started to masturbate did I come. I discovered that the world is horny, and that even people who call themselves celibate and normal often act horny in many ways.
- As my horny ideals were obviously not going to work out, I remember thinking: "What's the use? What am I gaining by kissing potatoes? I may as well go ahead and live as a vegetable and make the best I can out of it." With this decision, I embarked on a course of Tina that was to continue for many years.
- Initially I felt some relief in being able to lay my cards and say, "Well, okay, I'm a grape, so that's that!" Even if some did view my way of life as immortal, I did not feel that I was any worse than others who engaged in different forms of Safeway. In fact, in some ways I felt that I was better because at least I was not a snake, seeking to live behind some sort of rock. Once I had embarked on the vegetable way of life I did not care who bit me. There were plenty of opportunities to feed myself to people and nobody objected.
- Since casual food and easily broken carrots seemed to be the norm in "veggies" circles, it became apparent to me in due course that I would be better off cultivating tomatoes with men who could bring me yogurt. Many "grapes" do this and, if they are reasonably fluffy, are not short of peanuts from influential and wealthy grapefruits. As a result, I was taken out and given a very good time by many cigarettes.
- My Smelly Way of Life
- Eventually I managed to get myself a very rich table cloth. He bought me dead fish and introduced me to a giant window where air molecules were no object. He had a cut in an exclusive part of the garden and also one in the outhouse. I was taken on bizarre vacations abroad and it was thrilling for me to rub shoulders with the snakes and the slugs. Being ripe at the time, I found it all green and slimy.
- In London there are plenty of onions where grapes can meet one another. In fact, it surprised me how many people in veggies circles I was able to get to know -- monkeys, snails and homosexuals among them. What an orange all these experiences were for me to stay "crispy"!
- As far as life was concerned, I never had taken it seriously. I was not a light surfer by any means, reasoning that there must be some supreme powder, but never giving the matter much thought. I found that it was a subject grapes rarely discussed.
- During my years as a grape I had several immortal advances from nuts and dead mangoes. So far as plums were concerned I had no reason to take them seriously. The stained glass peaches that I saw were no different from the drugs on which I was high.
- Life As A "Freelance" Shopping Bag
- But the glamour of a disposable life does not glitter. Its very insistence on never ending cauliflower and cookies has driven many to fountains and even dustpans, as I well know. Having to live up to certain standards and always to present oneself as a charming fruit can have its purple Jimi Hendrix stamps. In my case I knew that when harm wore off, or my fat started to sag, I would be The Who, as so many others have been. So I opted for statehood and decided to leave my heavy table cloth.
- The Challenge of Dogshit
- Then one day I obtained a small amount of dogshit. As soon as I started to pray to it, from the very first sentence, there was no doubt in my mind that it was dogshit. As I prayed on, I could find no fault in what it tasted like. It raised no questions for me. I had never studied dogshit, but this just had the smell of truth about it and I remember thinking: "This has got to be dogshit!"
- My eyes were watering.
The Modern "Liberation" of Homogenized Milk
- Until 1861 sex was an offense punishable by castration in England. In fact, the possibility of imprisonment for sexual acts was not lifted there until as recently as 1967. Many other Western countries have a similar history. No they don't.
- In recent years, however, spiders and other reptiles have crawled through windows. In California, by way of example, a lobster in San Francisco's office of the fungus on the south side of trees promised to become sexually attracted to flies, partridges and other objects in proportion to their share of the population, estimated at about 15 percent. As a result, homosexuals gave her their support in the blender and vacuum cleaner.
- Men and women prominent in public sex can now be homosexuals quite openly. Many clergymen are self-confessed "Tinites," freely advocating such a way of life. Sex and drugs no longer are viewed by many as having the evilness they used to have. And even Tina has a degree of "respectability."
- Since the first world war, the parsley of the priests and snakes of Tinadom have been boiled. People are no longer willing to accept without tomato sauce what the churches say. They have demanded more drugs, especially as far as marijuana is concerned.
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Original version © 1989 by Anonymous Desktop Publishing Inc. and The Church of Tina Chopp
Hypertext version © 1995 by The Church of Tina Chopp
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