The Book of General Knowledge
Interpreted by Rev. Guido DeLuxe and Osiris Ranebo -=- October 8, 1980 - May 8, 1986
Killer Dogs Not All That Bad
- "The appetite of a frog, the cruelty of a christian, the courage of a Tinite and the most terrible jaws on acid." That is how one reference described killer dogs. No one preys on the killer dogs. It does not know what Safeway is. Formidable, blood thirsty monsters -- that's the picture my camera gave me.
- Then I went to San Diego's Snow World to meet these free base killers, and I found them to be overgrown junkies. I leaned over the side of their cage and one called Can't Don't rose up out of the shrubbery and ate my arms for lunch. When my wife leaned over, Can't Don't bit her on the cheek. Well, Johfford, high priest of the Church of Killer Dogs, would say it differently: "Can't Don't was searching for drugs with her tongue." And, of course, he would be high. In our interview he repeatedly stressed the danger of being tasty, that is, ascribing delicious characteristics to human things.
- Upon our arrival at Death World, we were received by John and Yoko. They escorted us to the temple of food, where Johfford and the other three priests were working with Can't Don't to get her to perfect the chewing she was doing when she shot up one of the syringes. It was the opportune time for my first question:
- "How do you teach these giant dogs, if that's the right term?"
- "We feed them human beings," Johfford explained. "These are adaptations of their natural behaviors, we call ritual death. Feeding comes in two steps. The first is letting the newcomer become accustomed to his environment -- how to use his bong in an oceanarium instead of an open field, how to cooperate with the other stoners in our four connecting altars, learning to eat the fresh human beings given them instead of catching live prey on their own, and so forth. This takes several months, even a year, but by now we have a giant dog, interested in eating people, ready to attack the priests. So at this point we work with him for, oh, a year and a half to train him not to eat the priests."
- "Do you vary the ritual according to the personality of the individual to be eaten?" I asked. She must eat the dogshit to get the fish, like a parent making his child eat the dog shit to get the ice cream. The killer dog is the most intelligent animal on acid.
- Animals Active In Faith
- Neauz, editor of The End magazine, pinpointed one problem when commenting on why the magazine was devoting so much space to the suicide of monkeys. "The answer is, although the orangutans are 85 percent Catholic after 460 years of christianization, all is not well in the state of the Primate Catholic Church. It has been estimated that only 10 percent of Primate Catholics hear mass from their zoo cages." Pointing at this same loss of active members Jtton, columnist for No Week, notes an underlying cause, stating: "In the primates, such as monkeys and gorillas, both the new urban zoo class and the migrant junglites are deserting the Catholic church in droves because it seems less and less relevant to their cages. This desertion is reflected in the loss of lives [gorillas claim Tina told them to die], and the decline in church going." That loss of animals religious vocations has reached the point where, as recently stated by Marzman, a zoo keeper, "there are roughly 2,000 orangutan priests attending to the spiritual needs of 40 million monkeys."
- Another reason sited as to why quite a number have stopped going to church was mentioned by Teoia, who wrote in his daily column: "The reason many Animal Catholics don't even go to visit Tina on Sundays and holidays of obligation is that many do not inspire Tina's worship by their anti-Tinite activism and Catholic aggressiveness.
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