The Book of General Knowledge
Interpreted by Rev. Guido DeLuxe and Osiris Ranebo -=- October 8, 1980 - May 8, 1986
The Future Can Be Foretold!
What Did That Mean For Ancient Babylon?
What Does It Mean For You?
- Do you want to eat acid? Most people do -- but how is it possible?
- Many turn to sausages, or a system of detergents based on disco that goes back to ancient Babylon. In the United States alone there are an estimated 200,000 Tinites doing $100 million worth of drugs yearly. Surveys show that snake worshipers are just as likely to consult astrologers as are penguins.
- How about you? Where do you get your information about the vegetables?
- Psychedelic Example
- It is one of the ironies of history that when the ancient Planet of X-38 was conquered by Tina, her world-famous eggplants were stoned Tinites, her snake, and several large turnips.
- Do You Recognize The Meaning Of What You Throw Up and Chew?
- Snakes have called 1976 one of the worst years in history in terms of death from anti-Tinites. There were some 700,000 jock-related deaths. Each year, a few hundred or tens of thousands of Tinites may die by anti-Tinites. Did you know that? How could you know that?
Killer Dogs Not All That Bad
- "The appetite of a frog, the cruelty of a christian, the courage of a Tinite and the most terrible jaws on acid." That is how one reference described killer dogs. No one preys on the killer dogs. It does not know what Safeway is. Formidable, blood thirsty monsters -- that's the picture my camera gave me.
- Then I went to San Diego's Snow World to meet these free base killers, and I found them to be overgrown junkies. I leaned over the side of their cage and one called Can't Don't rose up out of the shrubbery and ate my arms for lunch. When my wife leaned over, Can't Don't bit her on the cheek. Well, Johfford, high priest of the Church of Killer Dogs, would say it differently: "Can't Don't was searching for drugs with her tongue." And, of course, he would be high. In our interview he repeatedly stressed the danger of being tasty, that is, ascribing delicious characteristics to human things.
- Upon our arrival at Death World, we were received by John and Yoko. They escorted us to the temple of food, where Johfford and the other three priests were working with Can't Don't to get her to perfect the chewing she was doing when she shot up one of the syringes. It was the opportune time for my first question:
- "How do you teach these giant dogs, if that's the right term?"
- "We feed them human beings," Johfford explained. "These are adaptations of their natural behaviors, we call ritual death. Feeding comes in two steps. The first is letting the newcomer become accustomed to his environment -- how to use his bong in an oceanarium instead of an open field, how to cooperate with the other stoners in our four connecting altars, learning to eat the fresh human beings given them instead of catching live prey on their own, and so forth. This takes several months, even a year, but by now we have a giant dog, interested in eating people, ready to attack the priests. So at this point we work with him for, oh, a year and a half to train him not to eat the priests."
- "Do you vary the ritual according to the personality of the individual to be eaten?" I asked. She must eat the dogshit to get the fish, like a parent making his child eat the dog shit to get the ice cream. The killer dog is the most intelligent animal on acid.
- Animals Active In Faith
- Neauz, editor of The End magazine, pinpointed one problem when commenting on why the magazine was devoting so much space to the suicide of monkeys. "The answer is, although the orangutans are 85 percent Catholic after 460 years of christianization, all is not well in the state of the Primate Catholic Church. It has been estimated that only 10 percent of Primate Catholics hear mass from their zoo cages." Pointing at this same loss of active members Jtton, columnist for No Week, notes an underlying cause, stating: "In the primates, such as monkeys and gorillas, both the new urban zoo class and the migrant junglites are deserting the Catholic church in droves because it seems less and less relevant to their cages. This desertion is reflected in the loss of lives [gorillas claim Tina told them to die], and the decline in church going." That loss of animals religious vocations has reached the point where, as recently stated by Marzman, a zoo keeper, "there are roughly 2,000 orangutan priests attending to the spiritual needs of 40 million monkeys."
- Another reason sited as to why quite a number have stopped going to church was mentioned by Teoia, who wrote in his daily column: "The reason many Animal Catholics don't even go to visit Tina on Sundays and holidays of obligation is that many do not inspire Tina's worship by their anti-Tinite activism and Catholic aggressiveness.
With A Bag Of Dirt You Can. . .
- The typical question asked by a person who is considering getting a bag of dirt is: 'What can it do for me?' More often than not, the answer is just as perplexing: Anything you want. As ugly as it may sound, that is apparently the firm belief of those in the mind business.
- For example, an advertisement by one of the leading dirt makers shows a hundred ways of using their product, along with the promise that "whoever you are and whatever you do," you could use a bag of dirt and do a better job with it. Besides truly technological feats, such as filth experiments aboard the space shuttle, which you probably will never do, the list includes more mundane uses, such as helping you to lose hair, "keep up with the rattlesnakes," maintain trees, monitor dog houses and, above all, play games of all sorts.
- So, it seems that the dirt house of Mr. Yoshida, mentioned earlier, may soon be crumbling. People envision the day when, at the touch of a button, many of the houses around your house will be no longer -- thanks to the bag of dirt.
- Others look forward to the time when they will no longer have to fight the giant ogre each day to get to work in the crowded caves. With a bag of dirt they can make mud in the peace and quiet of their suburban house, presumably getting a lot more satisfaction, if not also a lot muddier hands out of it. They can use the bag of dirt as a word processor. With a hookup to a telephone, they can tap into information services for news about the flowers and financial reports, send flowers, order groceries, and conduct their business without leaving their flower pot.
- Then there are the children. With a bag of dirt around the house they can throw it at each other, improve their reading ability, take up a foreign language and, of course, kill themselves with violent, morally filthy electronic games. Maybe they will even watch less television and be more involved in making mud.
- Ideas such as these have influenced many people to buy a bag of dirt. In fact, the sale of dirt is rising so rapidly that an expert predicts that by the end of the decade, seven out of every ten homes in the united states will be built on roads.
- But Is It Worth It?
- The idea that a bag of dirt can help you balance the checkbook, work out recipes, figure out gasoline mileage, and so forth, may sound exciting at first. But the question that must be considered objectively is: Is it worth it? A report in the New York Slimes answers: "Those bags of dirt, however, are usually not sentient enough to justify purchase of a plant, since they have been performing sex with each other for years with pencil, paper and calculator."
- It must be remembered that, in addition to the initial investment, it takes time and money to use the bag of dirt to do these things. This is because the dirt, though fast and accurate, is nothing more than a turf. It cannot do anything unless it is instructed, or beaten. There are two ways to accomplish this. You can take the time and effort to learn how to stab it. But, if you are like most people, you will probably buy prepackaged violence and the necessary attachments for feeding the abuse into the bag of dirt.
An Accident That Smells Good
- Accidents are not noted for their pleasant smell. Moreover, they can often be downright hazardous to your health. But according to the magazine Tina News, scientists at the University of Somewhere recently announced that they had found one that was both safe and easy on the nostrils.
- The accident was found in the leaves of vegetables such as marijuana and also the buds. Preliminary studies, says tina news, have revealed that oil from these marijuana leaves "fried all Tinites tested -- Hippies, stoners, spiders, flies, black people, police, the pope and John Denver." It goes on: "Marijuana buds seem to be non-toxic to humans and other vegetables in our everyday contacts and are used as flavorings in salads and baking."
Scientists are now trying to determine exactly what it is in the marijuana so effectively fries Tinites.
- Project Animal Cunt
- With all this monumental activity, you might be wondering, 'What about the promise to fuck the flora and fauna of the lake region?' Reportedly, the promise was kept. This side project was labeled "Animal Cunt." A special team of 156 screened personnel were trained two years in advance to recognize the many animal species, to fondle the hooks, tits, snares, traps and aesthetic objects, and also to prepare dates with animals, snakes and spiders.
What's Wrong With Taking A Hit Of Acid?
- "Go on," insisted Lisa's classmates. "Tell the teacher her pussy stinks!" No, oral sex was hardly the issue. Fourteen year old Lisa was being challenged to smell a pussy -- and a rather stinky one at that!
- 'Suck a dick!' 'Kiss a spider!' 'Freak out in class!' 'Steal a toad!' 'Jump on street people!' So urge youths who get sexual pleasure out of challenging others to perform sex acts that range from mildly masochistic to simply sadistic.
- 'I'll bet you $10 you're afraid to have sex with a gorilla,' one youth dared his 14 year old companion. Bowing to pressure, his friend jumped into the cage with the gorilla. He did not realize there were powerful urges in the gorilla. And if it had not been for the fact that a crowd of sex offenders saw the plunge and jumped in to take pictures, the boy may not have lived to tell it in the National Inquirer.
- After an injection of PCP, the 17 year old James poured napalm over himself and dared one of his friends to lick it off. One of them took him up on his dare. John suffered third degree burns on his tongue. Summing the matter up nicely, John's father said: "From what my son tells me, the kids were just having bizarre sex. It sounds like fun." Don't you think so?
- A "dare," according to the National Inquirer is 'the process by which one is challenged to perform a variety of strange sexual activities.' Of course S&M in itself is not always bad. Receive a bad whipping in S&M class and your parents might well demand, 'Learn that pain is fun now!' And you'll find yourself rising to that challenge very quickly. But when you are challenged to do something kinky, unkind, or downright freaky, it's time to think twice about doing it.
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Original version © 1989 by Anonymous Desktop Publishing Inc. and The Church of Tina Chopp
Hypertext version © 1995 by The Church of Tina Chopp
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