The Official Story

     In approximately 1981, two freaks lived on the seventh floor of an eight story rabbit hutch in Bellingham, WA, USA. Another freak (the Prophet Ian) who lived in a disgusting hovel with no heat asked the two freaks if they would care for his pet snake, named Ebeneezer Squeezer, who was (at the time) quite ill. The two freaks agreed, and after several weeks of living with the snake (who recovered rapidly once in an environment with reliable heating), they discovered that the snake was more than just a snake. He was able to communicate very complex messages by crawling around their apartment. They began to take notice of these messages when he spent a week or so repeating the message TINA CHOPP IS GOD! PRAISE HER OR DIE!!! Shortly after that they told some "friends" of the revelatory nature of these snake-messages and the "friends" proceeded to scrawl the phrase, in chalk, on every flat surface they could find, all over town. Subsequently, most people in Bellingham (including, significantly, the police) came to know the phrase. Since then, this has come to be known as the infamous "grafitti incident". Few realized that the snake was truly the Son of Tina, the Holy Snake, in fact, few even knew of the existence of the snake. However, the snake continued to teach the two freaks a doctrine which has come to be called Snake Destiny. The Books of Tina were written by the Prophets (the two freaks) while under the intense training of the snake, practicing The Three Rituals on a daily basis and following, as well as they were able, the doctrines taught them by the Snake.

The 7th Floor Window
     Then the Snake crawled out the seventh floor window. The freaks came home one day, the Snake was nowhere to be found and the window was open. Of course they were extremely concerned, and they proceded, literally, to turn everything in the apartment inside out and upside down in an attempt to find The Holy Snake. On closer examination they discovered a slightly snake-shaped depression in the ground beneath the window and concluded that the Snake had crawled out the seventh floor window. They continued their practices of Vegetable Sacrifice and Snake Destiny (having not yet been initiated into the mysteries of Bizarre Sex), putting the final touches on The Books of Tina and organizing their thoughts towards the task of creating a church. They gathered a small group of neophytes and began to teach the doctrines of Snake Destiny and. The teachings caught on like wildfire and spread much farther than they could have imagined. There soon came to be a large group of enthusiastic "groupies" who all wanted more. Unfortunately they were unable to provide it to them.

The Sacred Ritual Object of The Church of Tina Chopp
     Then the Snake returned! Two months after they moved out of the rabbit hutch, a cleaning woman found the snake in the back of a closet. She thought he was a boot and was very surprised to find a 5 foot long rosy boa constrictor with a very friendly personality crawling up her arm. Needless to say, the snake ended up in the biology lab at the university, where the two freaks happily reclaimed him after reading of the mishaps of the cleaning woman (who has since become a Tinite Saint) in the newspaper. The teaching and study proceeded apace and soon they had a fledgling church complete with a newsletter ("Tina Magazine"), several small tracts and pamphlets for leaving in phone booths, and other bits and pieces of strange information. They even developed a Tinite Ritual Object (still available in bronze for only $10! Please contact The Church for information).

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